I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
