The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
