all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
