so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
