I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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