Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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