She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
