I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Someone came in the potted fern
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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