it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my being single is dangerous.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
