My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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