That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
