Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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