I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
