with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
