How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
