if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
