: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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