a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
