grandma shit on top of the toilet
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
