On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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