If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
