i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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