It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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