you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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