i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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