everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
