I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
