how can u be prego again
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
