Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
