You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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