I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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