so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
