flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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