So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
