FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
