dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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