Dude my mom stole all your condoms
never play flip cup with pint glasses
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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