I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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