Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
