a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
