Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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