What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
