Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
