you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
