i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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