i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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