I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
