I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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