your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
