I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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