Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
