I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she smelled like a LAN party
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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