so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Vodka?
Forever.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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