If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
