your parents love me but you hate me
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
