I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
