Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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