i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
