getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
